2/17/24

POEMS OF PRAISE DIRECTED UPWARD TO THE LIVING GOD!

You, living God, more
alive than i, your reality
is more reality than mine reality.
in my bedchamber you afflict
me, you bring my heart to sorrow,
upon my bed you cause
my heart to race, and my
bowels to tie into knots -
my clothing ripped to shreds
and my room filled
with destruction!
On bended knees i repeat;
"Lord Jesus Christ son of God,
have mercy on me."
And He has mercy.
But oh Lord what is the
cause of my affliction
why your hand so heavy,
My God?
Must your edification
crush me? must your fire
gut me? . . .
In the dark i see nothing
but the world and the things
of the world, the cars that
pass with urgency and confusion
lights of the world
lights of Babylon
Illumine gently the icons
Illumine gently prayer corner,
And prayer corner really
the hinge and anchor of my
life - hanging on like a nail
driven only slightly into the wall
lights of Babylon
Keep me up
Hum of Babylon
Buzz of Babylon
Bed of Babylon
my sleep the sleep of Babylon
It all encroaches oh God.
Is there a Christian Nation
left on your Earth? Do any think
fondly of you? Is any church
your Church?!
God, in who's hand the world
fits smally,
how trust your ordering?
How terror is for my edification
and how destruction for
salvation?
I ask not for your knowledge
Oh God, but only for patience.
Holy Holy Holy patience to sit
at your feet, Holy Holy Holy
is is pleasant to my eye
to my ear and to my tongue
Holy Holy Holy! to suffer
quietly as you did Holy
Holy Holy to behold you
everywhere in everything
in everyone too!
The sorrow encroaches upon me
I howl and howl
I think in my heart, surely
not Job suffered so
strike me down dead with
wicked thoughts!
But holy thoughts have
called my mind home
and holy visions too,
and memories of visions!
Angelic light in my window,
3 a.m. to contrast my
brokenness with your
cement-pouring love!
This love which woke me
up from my bedchamber -
woke me up from sleep physical
and too from sleep spiritual
years long sleep of Babylon
and no-God
pulled me from my sleep of
relapsed sleep of atheism
the sleep of copious liquor
the dreamless sleep of black
sleep of hedonism, tower toppling
pissing on my shoes!
Your love, my God, wiped
away my slovenliness.
With His finger he broke my chains
filled me with compunction
a compunction that leads to tears!
You deigned to send your Arch-
angel to me!
The presence of Saint Michael
Reminded me of baptismal vows
I could not sleep, only
to look upon angelic light,
to look and to weep
for my sins
"all night I flood my bed with weeping"
YOU had called me before
and still you call me again!
Truly you have called
time and time again.
Why have I ears to hear,
but not ears to listen to your
sweet call, still echoing
through my mind,
sweet call of my young-manhood
"go to church"
and I did!
But fall away and falling
away i did!
Old priest in Montana
told me, an audible is
rare!
Your love is not rare,
but only the perception of it...
To know and to feel it!
Why am I so cruel to you
my precious Lord, why
sin, why spit upon your face
upon the cross.
Why am i cruel to you?!
Why cruel to others?
Fill me with that compunction once again
that sorrow and that tears
Filled with tears before the icon of
Mary enthroned with Christ
Ah slippery understanding,
woe unto the shaky view
from calmness and dispassion
please lay your hand
heavily upon me that
suffering and anxiety
pain and sadness might
increase;
that my world might shake
and rock and sickness seize
my body!
that all the torments
of the world surround me,
so long as I might never
forget your gentle love
Oh God my God
who upon the
cross thought momentarily
of me.

11/24/24

In terms of making change it is almost always thought of as a active and positive change, I believe we should DO this or I believe we must DO that. And in the way of cessation its always the stopping of something evil or perceived as ‘bad’, to quit smoking, or to stop spending money. This is largely the paradigm of the world, but as becomes apparent when the paradigm of scripture and Christianity is applied in its place, is that the only real way to make progress is through the cessation of that which is generally considered to be good, namely; pleasure, growth, life or at least the will to live. To begin the analysis we begin with Elijah in one of the most cutting and profound verses of the old testament,


And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and withal how he had slain all the prophets with the sword.

2 Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah, saying, So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow about this time.

3 And when he saw that, he arose, and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongeth to Judah, and left his servant there.

4 But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.

5 And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat.

6 And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again.

7 And the angel of the Lord came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee.

8 And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. (Kings 19 1-8)


In the face of overwhelming doom, Elijah gives up and accepts death. It most interesting to me in this verse that Elijah gives up after his greatest triumph over pagan gods and the deviant priests. Returning worship of the one true God. But Elijah cannot appreciate the protection of God because his mind is set on things worldly. Had not God just performed a great feat through him? Would not God also protect him from Jezebel? For in the height of his vanity he fears for his very life, the thing which separates him from God. It is after this scene of wishing for death, for relinquishing even his desire to live that he is emptied so that he might be filled! It is in the face of doom that we must give up. When the tides feel overwhelming and gravity’s crushing force pushing you down – only let it and do not resist. Look to your God and say this is my end and I wish only death! This is the moment of relinquishing everything! The moment when you ask God just for death you are at your zenith of potential energy – to be an empty vessel is to be placed on the altar of God as a burnt sacrifice and renewed with the spirit of God. For what is the fate of Elijah? He wished only for death and instead God gave him bread – the bread of life, the heavenly bread that was denied humanity after rejection of higher principals. This bread is the newness of Elijah’s life and his rebirth – a baptism of death. Consequentially from this bread Elijah is lead in the wilderness 40 days as Christ (only he is not tempted) to meet the quite and gentle God, who rejects the massive gestures of the pagans and speaks in a simple infinitely small whisper. Only through death to self, achievement, failure, and the world does Elijah come to the fullness of understanding. And in Job’s misery, after he has lost everything he gives up saying,


Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life unto the bitter in soul;

21 Which long for death, but it cometh not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures;

22 Which rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they can find the grave?


In this Job is racing to relinquish his life as one wishes to relinquish a poison in the body, but he is denied his death as was Elijah (but which Christ gave up for everyone so no one might more have to give up life). It is only in the mental preparedness to hate this life and to give it up in your heart that perfection can enter. It is in these Old Testament characters that the fullness of Christ’s sayings come to light. When Christ says he that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” He means as Job and Elijah show only through hating of ones life can we become prepared to accept and bring about the Kingdom of God. So too can we only experience the reality of the kingdom when we have no fear of death or pain “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” (Matt 10:28)

The biggest lie that constantly assaults us in the facade that this life is some how ‘it’ or lasting. True freedom only comes through the understanding that this life is ending and dying every day! To live as though you’d die tomorrow is found profoundly in both secular and religious knowledge, but it finds it true potency in religious learning. And what is to come next? What is the supra material? The heavenly kingdom is above the physical and in that kingdom the things made of hands are eschewed and throw away – lead you downward heavily laden you sink and only until you part with everything you once had you cannot ascend to God. Only that vessel which is empty can be filled “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: And I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.”

To close I must warn that what I write must not be misunderstood, for misunderstanding of the sacred scripture leads to the most disastrous outcomes. By denying ones life that doesn’t mean to kill ones self, for life is sacred above all – our life is really and honestly the breath of God breathed into us, but, and here is the great paradox of Christianity – your life is uniquely special and from God, and at the same time you cannot come to real understanding of God unless you throw it down in the dust and trample it. To give up is to receive. Constantly Christ in his ministry turns all perceived knowledge on its head by claiming the last will be first and that the messiah must die a criminals death. The knowledge of this is not that we should race to die a death but that we see the opportunity to trade in a love for self to a love for God and others, (quote about a friend giving up life for a friend). There is hope for a softening generation that by creating room in their hearts by getting rid of all the things which fill them, they can create space to move and live within their soul and slowly scrape away at all that separates them from their God, until they have such closeness that they can answer in the affirmative what the rich young man answered in the negative – to give up everything and live with God.


The dust kicked up,
into mine eyes I couldn’t see
the wind blew my cloak away
I lay down under the juniper tree
and pray a twisted juniper prayer
for death
and then the suns warming beams
cut through it all and the angel say to me
arise and eat for your journey is long
to the mountain of God.

10/10/24

        I
Lovely sage brush hills
The smokey air is thick, like
Cotton wood kisses.

        II
Hemlock growing tall,
Sparse, only north faced branches.
Longing for mountains

   A single dew drop
Bends downward a blade of grass
Wetting my boot toes

        IV
House-finch proudly holds
Two blades of grass in her beak
Flying to build home.

        V
Infinite coldness
My toes are someone else's
Worn coat drapes over.

        VI
Falling off the edge
Hopelessly seizing my throat
Foggy autumn morning.

        VII
Some heavenly light glistening
down over Hagerstown some
trees turn red and naked in
response.

        VIII
I'm wishin' I
   could call jack
              on the
              phone.
Kerouac, you there?
  I'm at the diner,
eating apple pie
  and
      ice cream;
across the whole
    country!
Were you sad
     like this - lonely
too?

        IX
cold, hunched,
      sick!
but immediately made clean
wrapped in the sound
of holy bells
all of my plans
   turning to naught
and the windows open
up on things I've
only seen with wet eyes
(holding in my cough)

        X
Enough of leaves
to cover the sidewalk
and bring my feverish
mind to ease

        XI
A prayer in the perfect shape of man
flying through the clouds and firmament
to the throne-room of God.

Little intercessor of human breath and mind
be prostrate before His majesty
and beg the Lord of mine

To life me up on out-stretched hand
give me a place to lay my head
every so near
to his dear worthy breast.

Man of flight, on the wings of angels
deliver me to God.
Man, or the summation thereof,
in the perfect form of prayer.

        XII
Memories of fall
falling from trees.
Glimpses of eternity
carried on the breeze.

THE SHAKING REED

10/10/2024

The sky was hanging heavy above
and the street trembled below.
Steps led on by the blasting wind
that shook windows out of their
casing and bent the cathedral
to a solemn midnight genuflect.

The sky was hanging heavy above
and the street trembled below.
The wind, the wind blew dust into
his eyes mingling with tear and
stye. In the faint darkness he looked
only like a huddled mass wandering -
an unsent letter hung in the balance.

The sky was hanging heavy above
and the street trembled below.
Many things left undone
and thoughts crowded the mind,
but all that is - is brushed aside for
the final moments of a pilgrimage
that lasted an eternity with
only God and the twisted trees looking on.

10/8/2024

Saturday, February 18th 2023

To drink large quantities of coffee is to feel the grace of God in everything. The sun shines brighter and every imperfection calls to be corrected. Life aligned - all the pins arrange themselves in a straight line to be knocked over in a perfect cascade. Time expands, the fear of not enough vanishes, and every little act becomes a dance with the very essence of life.

Living becomes enough, nothing else is neccessary. Just to breathe another breath. I feel here in a real way unfelt otherwise. Every other times is purely the existence of a legoman, but this, this is living, and it is wonderful.

Life teems with energy and life is palpable. To drink too much coffee is to live.

-ZANDER

10/2/2024

"What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind?" (Matthew 11:7)

The Shaking Reed is the infinite expanse on the prairie -- silence that explodes in every direction, the shadow of death and dying. Human frailty spotted from around corners. It is the reality that is sought and the deafening thuss of bass. It is everything base in man, and all his holy aspirations - arms stretched skyward toward his Heavenly home. Words dictated to man by the Holy Ghost and words found in junk drawers or under bus stops. It is searching for the footprints of Christ in the sand. An attempt for me to figure something out and to document that process, or maybe to document my life, to see if it means anything to me or to anybody else. To see if living life is different than the act of documenting it. It is purely Biblical in its approach to life, but not in the way claimed by popular culture, or conservative culture, nor that by liberal Christianity, but a Biblicalism that centers on the heart. The Bible, meditated on in its entirety, taken in full to the very core of my heart. Inspired by the Desert Fathers; eschewing all knowledge and learning - discernment and voices that lead to wayward places.

"Judge not that ye be not judged" (Matthew 7: 1-3)

If life is judged, it cannot be viewed in its entirety, and thus becomes lesser than reality. It is the author's opinion that the entirety of the world (himself included) lives in a varying degree of understanding; true understanding of what is really here. The Shaking Reed is a vehicle through which is becoming - purely and simply becoming.

"For Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21)

The answers are within us. Should anyone tell another to look here or there, that is antithetical to Shaking Reed. For me personally, as The Shaking Reed's main contributor, The Shaking Reed is my plea for forgiveness for everyone. Not a justification, but an opening up of the brokenness that lives inside humanity. To be honest in the confession of my life. To write only that which I know and have lived. To write speculatively but never ignorantly. For me the Shaking Reed is the night sky on which the stars are written - the ever expanding expanse contained in the prairie. The scroll that is unloosened at my judgment.

At its smallest, the Shaking Reed is the reed which is shaken by the wind. The winds that fill the earth and emanate from countless sources. The ideologies that blow us, and the falsehoods, the ungrounded hopes and empty ambitions. The shaken reed cannot help but be honest, for it is shaken not by its own volition, but by outside influence - seeking only stillness and peace.

"The wind bloweth where is listeth and thou hearest the sound thereof but canst not tell where is cometh and whither it goeth, so is everyone that is born of the spirit" (John 3:8)

You are invited to watch this reed blow helter skelter. You are invited to blow, to shake, and be still.

"The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off and we fly away" (Psalm 90:10)

Our experience is short and fleeting. Everyone is dead or is dying. May we all come together in fragility and tenderness. With compassion and love, with simple hearts and minds which are dull. For in our darkness we have each other and this is our comfort. The Shaking Reed is community - if only a community of two, two friends who love to write and tinker. With a passion for obscurity and webpages in the unexplored reaches of the internet. Please, won't you join us in the wilderness?